I met the friendliest cop last night
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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