time to smoke my breakfast
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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