Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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