please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm too high and old for this...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
