i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
