Well douche your snatch and let's go!
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
