There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
