Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
