it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
