Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
