So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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