If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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