omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
