Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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