I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
