I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
