They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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