so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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