Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
