ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
