Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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