I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
