This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
