Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
