just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
