It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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