I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
