so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
