My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
