i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
