I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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