Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
