im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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