I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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