Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
