how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I looked at my own cervix.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
