i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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