sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
