Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
