My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
