i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
