Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
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