Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
