i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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