My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
