YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
