i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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