Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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