Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
