he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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