sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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