remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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